ramblings on childbirth

So, I am about to have a baby and my husband and I decided that we wanted to go natural. I have a friend who used hypnobabies (I used hypnobirthing for my first, but ended up with pitocin and an epidural). I have learned so much about birth from this program, and from my own research in the last few years, that I thought I would share some of it. Some background on me: I try not to take medicine, but I occasionally do. I believe that eating healthy is the best way to get nutrients into your body, but I do take prenatals. I don't eat organically, probably because I can't afford it, but I do try to eat fresh fruits/veggies and cook more than eating from a box or eating out. I have tried to eliminate hydrogenated oils from my diet, but I am not perfect at it, basically I try to live healthily, but I'm not perfect at it. I also plan to have my babies at a hospital. My daughter was born on her due date, from an induction because of low amniotic fluid and an old placenta. I am glad that I used pitocin -- because I believe that she would have been stillborn if we hadn't intervened. I am also glad that I got an epidural because I couldn't relax without it and once I was able to relax my body accepted the pitocin and I was able to have her (I labored 14 hours with pitocin before I got an epidural - 7 after). However, I know so much more about natural inductions now then I did then and if I were to ever be in a similar situation I would try to do natural inductions first. So I don't know why pregnancy in America is so risky. Partly I think it is because doctors and moms are on schedules and babies need to fit into their schedules. And I think that part of it is hospitals run a business and the more patients they can get in and out the more money that they make. My aunt was under the impression that her body didn't know how to go into labor on its own (really?). She had 7 children using pitocin and chose several of their birth days when it was convenient for her. Child number 8 decides to come on the convenient birth day that my aunt had chosen, without any help -- all natural. So that tells me that her body can go into labor on its own. So she gets pregnant with child number 9 and still picks her baby's birth date (this baby decided to come 5 days early). I just don't understand. Anyway, I guess I just wish that people would have more knowledge about childbirth. You don't have to get a c-section, in fact it is more risky and the more that you have the riskier it is. Childbirth is natural, and sometimes a woman is pregnant for 41 or 42 weeks and that's okay - as long as the baby is okay. Sometimes labors last for a long time and that is okay too. Everyone is different, and instead of having a factory for child birth, we really should be allowed to birth in the way that is best for us!

Choose your words carefully

Every word that we speak has meaning and origin. Nevertheless, a word may mean something different to me than it does to another person. We use words to record thoughts to preserve our memories and express the ideas from our minds to other people. (Locke 2: 12) Consequently, words are very personal; each person selects words that describe what he is thinking and then shares it with others hoping to convey his ideas to that person. Yet people come from different experiences and therefore create different meanings and ideas for those words and use different words to share the same ideas. To truly understand one another we must first seek to understand the words and ideas of each other.

The first step in seeking to understand one another is to not dispute words and ideas that we do not clearly understand. (Locke 1:28-29) It is better to listen fully and ask questions than to argue. Even when we clearly understand one another disputations will still happen. We should keep our friendships and peace, though, since we cannot expect our friends to suddenly quit their opinions and adopt our own. (Locke 2:254) When we choose to listen instead of argue our understanding will be enlightened and our friendships will remain strong.

Second we need to choose our words carefully. Often we use words for which we cannot give a clear definition. (Locke 2:90) A simple solution to fix these problems is to have a dictionary close by all the time; however, it isn’t practical to carry around a dictionary and constantly look up words. Instead, if someone questions the meaning of a word that we use and we cannot define it, then we should choose a different word.

“There are not words enough in any language to answer all the variety of ideas that enter into men’s discourses and reasonings.” (Locke, 1:23) Because the English language has thousands of words to choose from, Locke’s statement may be surprising. However, it makes more sense if we think about how many words mean more than one thing. Locke defines two words: “spirit, in its primary signification, is breath; angel, a messenger.” (2:10) Today those words have many more meanings; in Oxford’s online dictionary the word spirit has eight distinct definitions and angel has five. With so many definitions it is difficult to always know if what we are saying is the same as what is being understood. “A definition is nothing else but the showing the meaning of one word by several other not synonymous terms. The meaning of words being only the ideas they are made to stand for by him that uses them, the meaning of any term is then shown or the word is defined when, by other words, the idea it is made the sign of and annexed to, in the mind of the speaker, is as it were represented or set before the view of another, and thus its signification ascertained….” (Locke 2:27) Good speakers will establish their words and the intended meanings so that they are understood by their audience. Thus both can benefit from the conversation.

Words are powerful. Great men (and not so great men) have coined phrases and words that live on. When we speak we must choose our words carefully and if someone questions our diction we must analyze our words and make sure that the meaning is clear. “I shall imagine I have done some service to truth, peace, and learning if, by any enlargement on this subject, I can make men reflect on their own use of language and give them reason to suspect that, since it is frequent for others, it may also be possible for them to have sometimes very good and approved words in their mouths and writings, with very uncertain, little, or no signification. And therefore it is not unreasonable for them to be wary herein themselves, and not to be unwilling to have them examined by others.” (Locke 2:42)

“angel.” Oxford Online Dictionary. 2010. Oxford Dictionaries. 8 Oct. 2010

John Locke. An Essay Concerning Human Understanding. Vol. 1. New York: Dover Publications Inc., 2003

John Locke. An Essay Concerning Human Understanding. Vol. 2. New York: Everyman’s Library, 1974

“spirit.” Oxford Online Dictionary. 2010. Oxford Dictionaries. 8 Oct. 2010

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Teaching Primary

So about a month ago I received a new calling to be a primary worker. I teach the girls in our ward that are 8-12, which in itself is a little intimidating since they are all on such different levels. But I love teaching them. The first week after I was called I taught on David and Bathsheba, which was a tough lesson. But the next two have been better. This week I taught on Elijah and the priests of Baal. I love this story in the Old Testament. It is probably one of my favorite stories!!! I just love the faith of Elijah, and I find it really amusing when he mocks the priests and says, maybe your god is sleeping and needs to be awoken, or maybe he is busy or on a journey. It just cracks me up!!! But I wonder how much faith the people really had. Before the whole competition, Elijah asks them who is God and the people say nothing (this is after a famine had been in the land for 3 years). Then after God sends down the fire, then the people believe in him. I wonder how often I am like that - I'll wait and see and if god proves himself then I will follow Him, but if not then I will remain undecided. It takes faith and courage to stand for something even when no one else is. I hope that I can have that faith and courage, because I know there have been times in my life when I haven't. I was so impressed with my girls today though. The lesson suggested starting the lesson by asking who we pray to when we have problems, then asking them if they would pray to a rock. All of the girls vehemently said they would not pray to a rock, and gave most of the reasons that the lesson book gave for why they would not. I was pretty impressed. I love being in primary!!! I get to learn things and teach at the same time!!!

Stake Conference

So, I love stake conference, but it is much harder to pay attention when you have an active 2 year old. One thing that really stood out to me though was that my stake president said, that when you are an example, you are not only an example to those people who are not members, but you are also an example to those who are faithful and as active members as you. That really rang true to me and I reflected in my life how many good members of the church really have taught me how to be a good wife and a mother just by being examples to me!!

Creating Thinkers

‘Thinking means shuffling, relating, selecting the contents of one’s mind so as to assimilate novelty, digest it and create order.’ (Jacques Barzun pg. 47)

It is important to be a thinker and passing on that legacy to our children is just as important. Public education seems to pull more and more away from creating thinkers because many careers do not require thinking. The job of public schools is to create workers by teaching students how to work hard at anything (Robert Maynard Hutchins pg. 55); then, those students who are successful at school will be successful in their careers. In my own experience as a student and as a teacher, I have seen many teachers base their students’ grades upon the busy work they give in class. Busy work doesn’t require the students to think for their class work, homework, and tests, but causes them to work in order to get a good grade. Society accepts this and has changed many of its standards to say if you work hard than you are a good employee; I can think of very few jobs that require thinking skills. Often, only the very top people in a business know how to think and any person who wants to make it that far will learn how to think on the way or when they are thrown into the job.

To make matters worse, many teachers in public education have not been taught how to think. I taught in a public school for two years. During that time I had mentors who knew how to think and passed that skill on to me. However, many teachers do not have that opportunity and they end up never learning to think. Universities do not include thinking in the curriculum of the classes they teach and Praxis tests (the current test that all teachers of K-12 must pass to become licensed teachers) do not establish whether a prospective teacher will be able to think. So a lot of teachers teach the way they have been taught using what I like to call the regurgitation method – learning facts and giving them back.

A few students have learned how to think before entering public education or in the process of attending public education. When teachers who do not know how to think encounter these students they are scared and do not know what to do; after all, their lesson manuals don’t tell them how to teach a student who already knows what is being taught. Thus “the more limited mind will try to compress and head off the richer,” (Jacques Barzun pg. 46) simply because they can’t teach what they don’t know. A quick example: many fourth grade teachers do not know how to do algebra, but if they have a student who is ready for algebra they simply cannot teach it to him. No wonder so many intelligent students flounder in a public school environment. “For most people, thinking is dreary uphill work.” (Jacques Barzun pg. 47) As I wrote this paper, I had an epiphany: “I don’t like to write papers because it requires me to think. It requires me to use my brain to create something new, develop opinions, and write about them.” Thinking does require a lot of piecing together and producing coherent ideas. Furthermore, a thinker must tune himself to the deep and unknown inside and to God as well. Public schools are forcing God (or any higher power) out creating another difficulty with producing thinkers. Without acknowledging and allowing God’s influence and power in our lives we lose a real beacon to our knowledge. God is the Creator of all things, so if we want to understand them, then we must seek for His inspiration and guidance.

The last problem with teaching thinkers is that it takes time to develop thinking skills. If I want to develop thinking skills then I must study all sorts of ideas. I must study nature, literature, great thinkers, history, math and the list could go on and on. I must associate myself with thinkers and learn from them. It takes practice and work to develop thinking skills. Once I become a thinker then I can pass that legacy on to my children and other children whom I associate with. But I must be careful how I do it. Thinking skills have to be developed and it is best that they are developed at the hands of thinkers. I have known many people in my life that did not just give me the answers, but made me search my heart for what I thought was best. They encouraged me, they asked me questions that helped me to develop my thinking skills, but they never gave me the answers. Teaching should include this philosophy of making people work for their answers and come to conclusions with the support and help of their mentors. A thinking education must include classics, because classics are books that require thinking to understand. Books inspire greatness. (Ralph Waldo Emerson par. 15) It also must include math – math that necessitates logical reasoning and proof. As a math major, I can definitely see the difference between math that is taught in schools and pure thinking math. Math is so much more than just solving problems; it is learning to think logically and rationally.

Finally, a thinker must be called to action. It is not good enough for a person to know how to think without using it. Thus, it is important to give a child opportunity to practice using their thinking skills in a controlled environment. “Character is higher than intellect. Thinking is the function. Living is the functionary…a great soul will be strong to live, as well as strong to think.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson par. 28) In order to build a society of character and morality we must first return to teaching thinking skills, and then we need to call those thinking skills to action. Public schools do not create thinkers. If I want my children to know how to think then I must first learn how to think myself and then pass that skill onto my children. It is important to know that it will take time and it must include God, classics, math, and a call to action. However, the sacrifice that is necessary for the building of thinkers will be worth it and it will create a stronger nation. Works Cited Jacques Barzun. Teacher in America. Indianapolis: Liberty Fund, 1981. Ralph Waldo Emerson. The American Scholar. Nature: Addresses and Lectures.1849. http://www.emersoncentral.com/amscholar.htm (6/8/2010). Robert Maynard Hutchins. The Higher Learning in America. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, 2009.

Education and Teaching

So I've just finished reading a book by Jacques Barzun written in 1945 entitled Teacher in America. One question it raised for me is what is education? We expect education to teach our children everything..."what the rest of the world leaves undone." He then proceeds to say that "education is a lifelong discipline of the individual by himself" and thus education is a synonym for civilization. I truly believe in lifelong learning. I believe that what we learn on this earth gives us an advantage in the next. I believe that there are good ways to get educations and poor ways, but throughout life's lessons every single one of us becomes more educated. I believe that every person is an educator - we all have responsibilities to teach...to teach our children, to teach fellow employees, to teach our neighbors, but we may never know what we taught someone. I especially believe that it is my responsibility to teach my children. It is not the government's responsibility, it is not my church's responsibility, but it is my responsibility and my right to teach my children. The government, my church, my neighbors and friends, they should and I hope will help me to teach my children, but ultimately it is my responsibility. And so I need to be best prepared to teach my children by being educated myself.

My Purpose

I believe that we all have a purpose in life and so recently I decided to write mine down and now I feel the need to share it with others, so... My purpose in life is to bring others joy. Both in this life and in the next. I can do that by continuing to develop my gift for charity and always being willing to serve those around me. I also need to be an example. If I have joy then I can share that joy and to some degree it is contagious. I can bring joy to others by living and sharing the gospel. I also feel a solemn responsibility to do temple work for my ancestors so I can bring them happiness. One of my sacred responsibilities is to have children and give those precious spirits the opportunity for joy. I need to teach them how to have joy, but ultimately realize that they have their agency. It was an interesting experience for me to write my purpose in life and to think about it. I know that I have a role and I have understood that for a while, but to actually try to figure out what it is was a very enjoyable experience. I definitely spent some time on my knees and spent time listening. I just find it so amazing and now I feel like I have some definitive direction for my life right now!

Tree of Knowledge

So as I was reading my scriptures yesterday I had a realization. I realized that if it hadn't been part of the plan for Adam and Eve to partake of the fruit from the tree of knowledge, than Heavenly Father would have prevented them by placing cherubim and a flaming sword to prevent them. He sure didn't hesitate to do so to the tree of life after they partook.

Agency

One of the rights that we fought for before we came to earth was the right to agency. Sometimes it is so hard to remember that everyone has their agency. Sometimes it is hard for me because I know that my friends are making poor choices and it is hard for me to see them do such, but ultimately it is their agency and they will reap their consequences. I hate calling it 'free agency' because it is not free. Consequences are a result of every choice that we make. I wonder sometimes if 'free agency' became a combination from 'free will' and 'agency.' Anyway, I really like these scriptures from 2 Nephi 2 about agency: "...there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon..Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other." It really makes me think about being proactive vs. reactive. If we are being proactive then we are choosing to act, but when we are reactive then we are being acted upon. Part of the plan is to see how we will act when we have two opposite forces acting upon us. If we choose to act then we are using our agency correctly. Later in 2 Nephi 2 it says, "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." The italicized part informs me that everyone has enough information to make good choices and bad choices. We all have our agency despite our life's circumstances. I know I don't always use my agency as I should, but I am striving to turn my will into the Lord's will, and hopefully every day I get a little closer!!!:)

Finding Happiness

I don't know that this idea is fully developed, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately. It all started with a class in church - someone made the comment that your spouse can't make you happy. At first I disagreed, but as I've thought about it a lot more, I've come to the conclusion that happiness has to come from within. You have to look to God and yourself for true happiness and if you find it there then you will be happy no matter what. However, you should be happy in your marriage too, Being with someone so much allows you the opportunity to get to know your spouse very well. So you can pick out the things that will make them tick or you can focus on the things that make them happy and spend your time serving each other. My husband and I choose the latter; which creates happiness in our home. I know whenever I am sad that my husband can cheer me up and make me feel better. However, sometimes we have to ask God first (usually in those cases he gives me a blessing and it works wonders!!!:) I'm not exactly sure how to become happy, other than I know it is a choice. Several years ago I took an institute class and the teacher talked about Christ and how He chose to be happy. Our countenances our supposed to reflect Christ, which is a sacred responsibility. I know that Christ took time to "mourn with those that mourn" and He angrily cast people out of the temple, but He mostly spent His time in service and love to others and I have to believe that He was happy...filled with joy as we are meant to be. So I guess as we become more like Christ than we can find joy and be happy with our decisions, despite adversity and trials.

Answers within us

Why is it that when you stop looking for something you find it? It happens to me all the time...I finally decided to go on a mission and I met my husband (I never went on a mission), I give up looking for the remotes and then they show up, I buy a new pair of glasses and find my old ones. It seems that when you stop searching the truth is more easily accessible. Truth always comes out when I'm venting my problems to other people too, not always in their suggestions, but it seems to me that just the act of telling someone else what is going on helps me to figure out the solution. I've noticed the same things with friends who vent to me, not that my suggestions are helpful, but that in venting they come up with the solutions...sometimes it takes a few times to actually relate the details of your problem before the solution comes up, but it usually does. All this has led me to the conclusion that answers are within us. Once we stop searching then we are able to see what is right before us and the more we tell a problem the more we focus on it and then the answers will come. So what does that mean if all the answers are right before us? How is it possible to already know the solutions to our problems? In talking to a friend, she brought the answer clearly to my mind: Many of the prophets have seen our day -- Mormon, Nephi, Isaiah, etc. so if they were able to see our day and our problems and even see specific people (Jesus Christ, Columbus) why wouldn't we have been able to see our lives and what they could be like before we came to earth? And if we did, then somewhere inside of us is that knowledge, it is just blocked by a veil, but if we were able to cross through that veil, then we could find all the answers that we ever needed. However, it is not that simple. God works on a need to know basis. So we can only find the answers within in as it works with God's plan. Recently my husband listened to a talk on BYU and he told me that the person speaking told of his dilemma about grad school. The speaker said he had prayed about and never received a clear answer, and finally researched it out and decided that it was the best decision for him and went to grad school. Years later he looked back and saw how he was being led to the right answer without actually receiving it. We've recently encountered a similar problem, but as I've considered the options and I've talked about them with my husband it seems that the answer has been right before us. So trust in Heavenly Father, trust in your gut and know that as you make your decisions you are being guided by an unknown force...you.

Success and Failure

So I've recently learned a little about success and failure. I guess that it is human nature (and Satan's influence) to focus on our failures. I know someone who recently told me that they must be evil, because sometimes they do things they know are wrong. It is so easy to focus on all that we are doing wrong and how we are not meeting the goals that we set for ourselves...and pretty soon, why even work on those goals, since we are not having success with them anyway. But if we really want to be successful in our goals and in our lives, we must take time to celebrate our successes. For example if you ate 2 healthy meals this week, that is a success, yes ultimately you probably want to eat healthy meals all the time, but it is success. If you got to bed on time 3 times this week, that is better than you were doing before you made the goal...focus on that. It also helps to visualize what your life will be like when you have successfully met that goal. It is important when we take stock of all that we need to improve in our lives that we also take stock of all that we are doing good in our lives. It is important to have balance so that we are not always negative, or always failing to see negative.

Ward Choirs and Stake Conference

So a couple weeks ago was our stake conference and Chad and I got to go on Saturday night!!!:) They had a ward choir there and they did not sound good at all...but as I was listening to them sing, I got the distinct impression that they were giving their very best and they were being blessed for their efforts!!! It kind of changed how I viewed that choir. I really do believe that when we put forth efforts to be involved in church activities our efforts do not go unnoticed even though our efforts might not be up to par with other people's efforts, since after all salvation is obtained on an individual basis. So to go along with that I learned a lot from stake conference that night about not judging people. The stake president shared some experiences where people in very difficult situations had received blessings telling them that they had chosen to be in those situations to bless others' lives. So we don't know what God's plans for others are, we don't know their hearts, and we don't know the experiences they have had that shape their lives and help create their behavior and their attitude. It is often so easy to judge others, especially those we are close to like our spouses, siblings, children, parents and close friends, but even these people have experiences that we don't know about that shape them into the people they are. The only person that we know 100% about is ourselves, so I guess I need to focus more on judging myself according to how I should be doing and how I am following the commandments and living up to the expectations that Heavenly Father has for my life!!!

Valentine's Day

No, I am not going to elaborate on what my husband and I did for Valentine's day, I just had a realization this year that I wanted to share with everyone. Why is their a special day, just once a year to celebrate our love? I think if you are truly in love you should be celebrating that love all year long. Who really needs a special day to remind them to tell their significant other "I love you" and spend lots of money being romantic? Isn't it better to just show your love every day? Anyway, not that I am against valentine's day or anything, I love valentine's day and I think it is fun to be more romantic, but I just thought I would put some food for thought out there. Maybe we should all try to be a little more romantic this year and tell our loved ones we love them a little more often!!!:)

Forgiveness

I've recently been involved with a personal transformation and one of the projects that I did a couple of weeks ago was I forgave someone. I loved the way that it set it up...I've been trying to forgive this person for many years, because I really love this person, but it has been a real struggle for me. However, it was so easy when I did it the way suggested. The first thing that I did was I wrote my "Big Hurt" Story. I told about what happened and why it hurt me etc. and that was really neat for me because as I was writing it, I was able to see the other person's perspective like I never have before. And that right there helped immensely. Then, I answered some questions, like how does holding this grudge benefit you and what feelings do I have when I think about it. Then it asked some different questions: How would my health and life improve if I were to forgive this person and what feelings would I enjoy. It was very powerful for me and I enjoyed the opportunity I had to finally let my resentment go!!!:)

Cleanliness and Perfection

So I recently stopped by at my sister-in-law's house and I only gave her like 5 minutes warning (I don't usually do this, but I had mentioned that I would be coming 2 weeks prior). Anyway, my sister-in-law recently had her 3rd baby, and so life is a little crazy for her, and when I called she told me that her house was a mess...and I said no problem (after all I realize that she just had a baby and I remember what my house was like after I had just had my baby). So when I got there, instead of sitting down and visiting, she was running around her house picking up little things (and honestly if she hadn't of said anything I really wouldn't have noticed). It got me thinking though, I do the same thing all the time...I know someone is coming over so I try to make my house spotless and if it isn't by the time they make it over than I am so embarrassed. So I guess my point is why do we try so hard to be perfect even when we are not? I know that our purpose in life is to strive for perfection, but why are we so scared to let our true selves show. I wonder if we were to let our true selves show if people could help us with our weaknesses and we would all become better. I probably will still clean my house every time I know someone is coming over (because let's face it, I just might not get it clean if I didn't), but maybe I will strive to not worry about it if it isn't perfect, because I'm not perfect.

The Doctrine of Marriage

So my husband and I got to a marriage seminar once a month. This month we had a guest speaker, Doug Brinley, coauthor of "Between Husband and Wife" (a great read about intimacy by the way). We really enjoyed what he talked about, but I especially loved this part: He starts by giving the quote by President Packer, "True doctrine understood, will change behavior [more quickly] than will the study of behavior (psychology) change behavior." (Ensign May 2004,77) Then he tells us that if we understood the true doctrine of marriage then it would improve our marriages. The rest of the night he spent sharing some doctrines of marriage. 1. Our primary reason for coming to earth is to marry and have children (D&C 49:15-17). Which is one reason that Satan tries so hard to destroy the family. 2. We learn how to be a husband or a wife from our spouse and we learn how to be parents from our children. 3. A child is an adult spirit in a newly born body, a body capable of growing and maturing according to the providences of Him whose spirit children we all are. Children are the sons and daughters of God. They lived and dwelt with him for ages and eons before their mortal birth. They are adults before birth; they are adults at death. Christ himself, the Firstborn of the Father, rose to a state of glory and exaltation before he was ever suckled at Mary’s breast.(Bruce R. McConkie, Ensign, April 1977,3) 4.Our spirits are immortal becaus our spirits are the offspring of immortal parents. 5. Our highest aspiration is to be like our Heavenly Father (Elder Oaks, Ensign, May 1995, 84) 6. The best and most important way to stay together is to pray together as a couple every morning and night...family prayer does not count as couple prayer. There were 2 reasons for this: 1 - Prayer is a window into the soul of your spouse and 2 - You can't be mad at someone you pray for. I really enjoyed this seminar!!! And I hope that for me understanding the doctrine of marriage will improve my marriage. Brother Brinley mentioned that he is currently writing a book about marriage doctrines, called Doctrinal Therapy.

Creating Families

So recently I've been thinking a lot about creating families...it is so ironic to me that some women can become pregnant without even thinking about it and other women try and try...some for years without successful results. I know people on both sides of the spectrum...and it has led me to the conclusion that it doesn't just take 2 to create a baby, but 3...God has to be involved...and it doesn't matter how bad you want it if it isn't right for you then it isn't going to happen and on the other hand, it doesn't matter how hard you are trying not to get pregnant, if you are supposed to you will. I think pregnancy and birth are such a miracle and I am so grateful for my little daughter. And I am grateful for a Heavenly Father...that He has a perfect plan for me and that as I choose to follow His plan He guides me and helps me to become better.